ok, so here's a turn up for the books. maybe it's not all that bad.
i sent an email back to the company of the driver that hit me. i told them that VW insurance had all the details and would be proceeding with a claim, then went on to say, you've destroyed a rare day off for me, you've left me disappointed with how people treat people, all of the people i spoke to in the chain were dismissive and unhelpful, and you all chose to be that way when you could have just helped. that i'd got up expecting a good day and this situation had ruined it. so thanks for that.
well, the owner was out of the office at a meeting, then he checked his email, first one he saw was mine, including the office's previous dismissive response, turns out he doesn't think like them. he apologised, has paid for the damage direct to VW, then made his office manager phone and apologise for not even taking the call because he told his secretary to deal with me.
so not everyone is bad, but it shouldn't have to get to the point where one good egg has to correct the failings of 4 or 5 bad eggs.
but credit where credit is due, he sorted it in the end.