Daily funny

[Dr S]

Two Geordies sat at a bar as drunk as only Geordies can be. Suddenly one pukes up down himself.
'oh no, wor lass 'il kill us for that, she's always on aboot getting too pissed'
His mate turns and says
'Davey man, nay bother. here's a tenner, put it in yer top pocket and tell her it was some bloke who couldn't hold his beer, puked on ye and gave yer a tenner for the dry cleanin'
' Aye, that's a reet idea. Canny! **** it, let's have another round!'

Several hours later Davey is stood propped against the door trying to get his key in the lock when the door swings open to reveal his bulldog wife.
'Davey man look at the state of ye, ya stinkin' wor av ar telled yea aboot getting ower pissed- look, yerv been sick doon yersel again!'

Davey begins to tell the tale of the drunk that threw up down him whilst trying to stand up 'there's a tenner in mi pocket hinny to pay for the cleaning.
The missus reaches into his pocket and pulls out not ten pounds but twenty.
Confused she says' there's more than a tenner Davey, there's twenty you lying sod'
Davey replies' Ey, he shit in my pants too'

 

[Lysander]

Whitley bay Sea Life Centre is closed every thursday morning for training purposes.


*only works if ye can do the accent!!

Aye, right, I'll just grab whatever coat's nearest the door.................

 

[psyclone1976]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, 'Bruce! Bruce!'

Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor', she said.

'S'truth', Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate).



They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way, we can't do it', Cobber said, 'so let's try Plan B.'

'Plan B,' exclaimed Bruce, 'what's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her', replied Cobber.

'Spot on, 'Bruce said, 'while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples'.

'Play with her nipples?' Cobber said, 'not exactly a good time for that mate!'

'No' Bruce replied, 'but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive'.

 

[Kestonian]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'

 

[psyclone1976]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me cycling and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

 

[letmetalktomark]

What goes Ha Ha Bonk?

















A man laughing his head off

 

[Kestonian]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the bloody price'

 

[jacks2ts]

"back to gary"
Gary Glitter leaves a message on Johntan woss's answering machine
"Just a quick one to say i've shagged your daughter. Who's laughting now"





sorry its a bit overdue but you can't have enought gary joke's now can you !