Daily funny

[letmetalktomark]

Tom wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's
Christmas Party.He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30.
What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he
struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the
garden. He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, - there is no trail
of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the
window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine,
and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye.
This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. 'I'll ring your
office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven.
Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's
snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye
doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. x ' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son is
sitting at the table, eating. Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what
happened the previous night.

Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. 'Confused,
he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for
me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm happily married!!'

Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20pence
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

i like that alot

rob

 

[lumos2000]

Micky Mouses divorce lawyer says to Micky "you cant divorce Minnie for having big teeth!"
"i diden't say she has big teeth" says Micky
"i said she was f***ing Goofy"

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

a cannibal is sat at park next to a big pile of poo and is crying :cry:
his mate see,s this and goes up to the cannibal and says "whats the matter bud?"
the cannibal replies whilst still sobbing "i just dumped my girlfriend" :shock:

rob

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

2 nuns are being raped down a country lane.
the first nun says "forgive them lord for they know not what they do"
the second nun says "jesus this one does" :shock: :shock: :shock:

rob

 

[Lysander]

*inclines head towards cloakroom*

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

*inclines head towards cloakroom*

hey its the best i can do just done a 7 day week and have 5 days more to go :?

rob

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

time this came back i think so ill kick it back off with this little gem


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

the girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Daddy a hug.'


rob

 

[MAXTHEROTTI]

and this one

A guy went into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Jim, do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Jim returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that
guy go when he leaves?'

Jim looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'

 

[Dr S]

Two Geordies sat at a bar as drunk as only Geordies can be. Suddenly one pukes up down himself.
'oh no, wor lass 'il kill us for that, she's always on aboot getting too pissed'
His mate turns and says
'Davey man, nay bother. here's a tenner, put it in yer top pocket and tellher it was some bloke who couldn't hold his beer, liked on ye and gave yer a tenner for the dry cleanin'
' Aye, that's a reet idea. Canny! **** it, let's have another round!'

Several hours later Davey is stood propped against the door trying to get his key in the lock when the door swings open to reveal his bulldog wife.
'Davey man look at the state of ye, ya stinkin' wor av ar teller yea aboot getting ower pissed- look, yerv been sick doon yersel again!'

'
Davey begins to tell the tale of the drunk that threw up down him whilst trying to stand up 'there's a tenner in mi pocket hinny to pay for the cleaning.
The missus reaches into his pocket and pulls out not ten pounds but twenty.
Confused she says' there's more than a tenner Davey, there's twenty you lying sod'
Davey replies' Ey, he shit in my pants too'