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Just tried Elvis Costello's Mediterranean Sausages.
I cant see them catching on but apparently Olive Salami is here to stay.
I cant see them catching on but apparently Olive Salami is here to stay.
Carlos Santana
- Thread starter The History Man
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Corblimeyguv
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A guy walks onto a car sales forecourt and starts browsing, peering in through the windows. A salesman approaches and asks if he can "help in any way".
The chap says "yes" and explains that he's looking for a used car that's cheep to run. The salesman suggests a nice Ford Escort Mk5 in racing blue. His for £2295.
"Too much" he says.
So he then suggests a Vauxhall Astra 1.4 for £1995.
"Too much" he replies.
He then points out a Citreon 2CV in Cream and Green, with canvas sunroof for £995.
"Too much" he repeats.
"How much do you have to spend" ? he asks.
"Fifty quid" is the reply.
The salesman splutters "Fifty quid !"
"Yes" says the customer.
"Follow me" says the salesman, and leads our chap into the storage compound at the rear. He heads into the very corner of the yard and, after removing some pallets and old wheels and tyres, pulls a tarpaulin off a car.
Underneath is a Reliant Regal in a patchy and flaking blue paint with the original yellow showing underneath.
"What's THAT" ? asks the customer.
"That" says the salesman "is a top secret development car from British Leylands research facility, to introduce a cheep means of transportation before the mini was developed".
"Really" ??!! Says the customer. "What engine is in it"?
"Take a look" he replies.
He open the bonnet and underneath, nestling away is huge sleeping chicken.
It's the biggest chicken he's ever seen !!
"How does that work" ? He asks.
"I'll show you" says the salesman
After dragging the car out of the corner, the salesman shows the customer around the car.
After explaining all the features, he points out half a snooker cue resting on the dashboard. "See that" ? He says.
"You stick it through where the cigarette lighter was and poke the chicken to make it go".
"Once for 15mph, twice for 30 and so on".
Unconvinced the chap agrees to take it for a test drive. He gets in, pokes the chicken and it starts clucking, suddenly the car moves off.
After a few miles the customer gets used to the strange situation that surrounds him and decides to try a dual carriageway. As he merges he pokes the chicken, it clucks a few times and suddenly he's at 60mph !
After a few miles he takes the slip road for the motorway, building in confidence he pokes the chicken, it clucks and he's hitting 70. He pokes it again, 80, 90, 100mph ! As he's sitting in the outside lane, easily overtaking traffic, he realises he's onto something special. 'This thing runs on chicken feed' he thinks. He imagines how much money he'll save, when BANG!!!! A huge explosion goes off, the bonnet launches into the air and there's feathers everywhere.
He manages to limp onto the hard shoulder, where, after composing himself, it dawns on him how serious the situation is.
A passing AA patrolman sees the devastation and pulls in. He approaches the car and speaks to the driver. After hearing his story he says "Don't worry, let me have a look".
He walks up to the front of the car and looks in. There's chicken bits and scorched feathers everywhere !
He returns to the driver and, says with sadness "I've got bad news for you, your big hens gone"...
A guy walks onto a car sales forecourt and starts browsing, peering in through the windows. A salesman approaches and asks if he can "help in any way".
The chap says "yes" and explains that he's looking for a used car that's cheep to run. The salesman suggests a nice Ford Escort Mk5 in racing blue. His for £2295.
"Too much" he says.
So he then suggests a Vauxhall Astra 1.4 for £1995.
"Too much" he replies.
He then points out a Citreon 2CV in Cream and Green, with canvas sunroof for £995.
"Too much" he repeats.
"How much do you have to spend" ? he asks.
"Fifty quid" is the reply.
The salesman splutters "Fifty quid !"
"Yes" says the customer.
"Follow me" says the salesman, and leads our chap into the storage compound at the rear. He heads into the very corner of the yard and, after removing some pallets and old wheels and tyres, pulls a tarpaulin off a car.
Underneath is a Reliant Regal in a patchy and flaking blue paint with the original yellow showing underneath.
"What's THAT" ? asks the customer.
"That" says the salesman "is a top secret development car from British Leylands research facility, to introduce a cheep means of transportation before the mini was developed".
"Really" ??!! Says the customer. "What engine is in it"?
"Take a look" he replies.
He open the bonnet and underneath, nestling away is huge sleeping chicken.
It's the biggest chicken he's ever seen !!
"How does that work" ? He asks.
"I'll show you" says the salesman
After dragging the car out of the corner, the salesman shows the customer around the car.
After explaining all the features, he points out half a snooker cue resting on the dashboard. "See that" ? He says.
"You stick it through where the cigarette lighter was and poke the chicken to make it go".
"Once for 15mph, twice for 30 and so on".
Unconvinced the chap agrees to take it for a test drive. He gets in, pokes the chicken and it starts clucking, suddenly the car moves off.
After a few miles the customer gets used to the strange situation that surrounds him and decides to try a dual carriageway. As he merges he pokes the chicken, it clucks a few times and suddenly he's at 60mph !
After a few miles he takes the slip road for the motorway, building in confidence he pokes the chicken, it clucks and he's hitting 70. He pokes it again, 80, 90, 100mph ! As he's sitting in the outside lane, easily overtaking traffic, he realises he's onto something special. 'This thing runs on chicken feed' he thinks. He imagines how much money he'll save, when BANG!!!! A huge explosion goes off, the bonnet launches into the air and there's feathers everywhere.
He manages to limp onto the hard shoulder, where, after composing himself, it dawns on him how serious the situation is.
A passing AA patrolman sees the devastation and pulls in. He approaches the car and speaks to the driver. After hearing his story he says "Don't worry, let me have a look".
He walks up to the front of the car and looks in. There's chicken bits and scorched feathers everywhere !
He returns to the driver and, says with sadness "I've got bad news for you, your big hens gone"...
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One liners. Give or take.
I have a short attention span.
I have a short attention span.
Corblimeyguv
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I lost my way half way through, never again. :shock:
I lost my way half way through, never again. :shock:
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Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
Corblimeyguv
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I'm going to become the Welsh Rep of the Billy Piper fan club.
Why? Because I want to, because I want to.
I've also heard that Jason Donovan has started his own business repairing large upright stringed instruments.
Word has it he said "There's too many broken harps in the world, which means that too many strings have been broken in two"
I'm going to become the Welsh Rep of the Billy Piper fan club.
Why? Because I want to, because I want to.
I've also heard that Jason Donovan has started his own business repairing large upright stringed instruments.
Word has it he said "There's too many broken harps in the world, which means that too many strings have been broken in two"
Corblimeyguv
Senior Retro Guru
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If you receive unsolicited deliveries of cooked pork in tins to your home address, simply throw it away.
It's spam.
If you receive unsolicited deliveries of cooked pork in tins to your home address, simply throw it away.
It's spam.
Corblimeyguv
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If you crash into the back of a sheep whilst on your bike, do you end up in Ramsbottom ?
If you crash into the back of a sheep whilst on your bike, do you end up in Ramsbottom ?
incorrigible
Senior Retro Guru
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What's the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind when he hits the windshield of your car?
His @rse-h01e.
What's the last thing that goes thru a bug's mind when he hits the windshield of your car?
His @rse-h01e.
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