Top of the range

[db95]

"Easy fix if you've got the tools"
... usually a stuck seatpost or stripped fork or bb thread

"Five minute job if you know what you're doing" aka five hour debacle once you realize how shot it is, or it is actually a five minute job but requires fifty quids worth of parts and another fifty of tools.
"Kept in storage for x years" chucked in the back of the garage twenty years ago, probably reversed into a few times, might find a BSO under decades of cobwebs, dust and dulux splattering.

 

[doctor-bond]

Have we had “turn-key” yet?
Or “investment grade”?

 

[bikeworkshop]

Or “investment grade”?

That's how I describe all my bikes to my loving family.

there's crossover language here.

 

[Markybeau]

Five minute job if you know what you're doing

Code for: my arse is leading the conversation

 

[moonlite]

Just seen one that said, "tyres pumped up, ready to ride." Which is a key selling point, to be fair -- what could you possibly do if the tyres were flat . . .?

 

[fearfactoryüberalles]

Second to none. Top notch.

 

[velomentary]

The whole bike packing thing for me. I've watched endless YouTubes now and I'm still yet to be enlightened as to what they are all doing. Is it some kind of cult

 

[bikeworkshop]

The whole bike packing thing for me. I've watched endless YouTubes now and I'm still yet to be enlightened as to what they are all doing. Is it some kind of cult

It's touring.
With some simple extra rules:

you aren't allowed to say the word "touring"

You aren't allowed to use racks or panniers.

Your luggage has to be as high as possible, preferably held on with velcro.

Each luggage item should be custom made for your frame, costing at least $300 an item.

Triple chainset, rimbrakes, verboten!

 

[ishaw]

Lots of great examples.

I especially like it when the term retro is added to a bike less than 5 years old, or 11sp as the current fad is 12.

Retro aesthetic - applied to a modern bike that's been trashed and now looks 100 years old.

Bike - a term often used for a two wheeled item with branding from brands like Apollo, phaze or similar. They just aren't.

Heavily upgraded - just because you spent £20 quid and waited 6 months for the trash you bought from AliExpress does not mean an upgrade has occurred.

Suspension folks - a group of people expert in kinematics come with the bike?

Unknown condition - you clearly know whatever it is you are selling is beyond repair.

 

[raidan73]

Lots of great examples.

I especially like it when the term retro is added to a bike less than 5 years old, or 11sp as the current fad is 12.

Retro aesthetic - applied to a modern bike that's been trashed and now looks 100 years old.

Bike - a term often used for a two wheeled item with branding from brands like Apollo, phaze or similar. They just aren't.

Heavily upgraded - just because you spent £20 quid and waited 6 months for the trash you bought from AliExpress does not mean an upgrade has occurred.

Suspension folks - a group of people expert in kinematics come with the bike?

Unknown condition - you clearly know whatever it is you are selling is beyond repair.

Folks is a good one. Drives me crazy!