Tommy cooper again 'i said'. (Joke thread) :D

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die





The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 
went to the doctors today and said "doc, i keep having this dream about loads of attractive, topless, women running towards me. I keep pushing them away, and pushing them away" the docs says "well what do you want me to do about it?!" i said "chop me blinking arms off!"
 
It was a sad day last week when the man who wrote the 'hokey kokey' died, however it was worse when they tried to get him in the coffin, they put his left leg in and it went downhill from there...
 
A slug witnessed an accident between a snail and a tortoise. He was asked what happened. He said, 'I don't know, it all happened so fast'.
 
orange71":16gcdcoo said:
It was a sad day last week when the man who wrote the 'hokey kokey' died, however it was worse when they tried to get him in the coffin, they put his left leg in and it went downhill from there...

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

MI6 Spy 'may or may not have known his killer.' Nice to see the police are narrowing it down a bit.




today my friend tried to get me to come out me the closet... but i wasn't going to, since i was obviously winning this match of hide and seek.



Bought an invisible pencil today. Didn't see the point of it.


This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.

It's called the face.




Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
 
A man was in a hot air ballon flying across norfolk and there were no landmarks anywhere,so he let some air out of the balloon ,and spotted a farmer leaning against his tractor,so he shouted down "where am I my man?"
The farmer replied "you cant fool me ................youre in the basket"



A man and his family where driving through norfolk and got lost and found theirselves in Halvergate,They spotted an old man leaning over a gate chewing a piece of straw,they asked him "How do you get to yarmouth please"

He replied "My brother generally takes me on tuesdays"





A man was driving through east anglia and his car broke down at night in the middle of nowhere,He got out and looked around and could not see anything other than i little light in a window in the distance,so he put his coat on and walked for what seemed like an age.Eventually he arrived at a little building with a window and a small light and he knocked on the door,a small boy answered, "hello is your father there?" the man asked "no he was but he went out then my mum came in"
"is your mum there then?"
"no she came in then she went out and my big brother came in"
"is your big brother in?"
"no he went out then my big sister came in then she went out and then I came in"
"What kind of a mad house is this?" The man asked
"this is not a mad house sir this is the shithouse ....we live over there"
 
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