Friday humour.....

[Phil_Beds]

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to two people, Angelina and Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Angelina came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin.

The executive approached her and said: "Ang, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off"
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Angelina replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit this morning."

 

[Phil_Beds]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a
very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by
three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and
cut the water like a knife.


After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.



She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of
the Mersey !

 

[richie-t]

hahaha keep them coming!

 

[crankhead]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff, ba boom chit.. :mrgreen:

 

[Phil_Beds]

A visitor to a mental asylum is speaking to the Doctor in charge.

"How do you decide who needs to stay and who can be allowed to leave?" says the visitor.

" A simple test, we fill a bath with water and offer inmates a spoon, a cup or a bucket" replies the Doc.

"Ahhh, and those who choose a bucket are allowed to leave, cos it emptys the bath quicker" Says the very_pleased_with_himself visitor.

"No,..." Says the Doc, "Those who pull the plug out are allowed to leave!! Now would you prefer a window bed or one by the Kitchen...."

 

[hoegaardenadds1]

a man goes to the doctors and the doctor say's

doctor: mr johson, i see from your notes you cannot pronounce you T's your F's or your H's?

mr johnson: yep

doctor: you can't say fairer than that then!

 

[sinnett177]

A brummie goes for a job interview.

He arrives at the interview wearing cream flared trousers, a cream jacket with lapels and a colourful shirt with a huge collar which went well with his permed mullet and handlebar tash.

Taken aback by the applicants appearance the interviewer says "Crikey thats some outfit you've got there, all you need is kipper tie", to which the man replied "luv-lee milk two sugars please".