The Gospel According to The Retrobiker (Work in Progress)
In order to help me understand Lid's last post - I have compiled the painful lessons we are cathartically releasing for those about to begin their journey.... ooh, the pathos, the bathos...
The Lessons According to the Retrobiker (so far...)
1. Decide to slap some parts on the ole rig and....stumble across the site. Glorious euphoric discovery. Hurrah people into old Mtbs. Buying, selling, endless info at one's fingertips. Your children/work colleagues are soon able to recognise the site on your PC from 30 ft away.
2. Enthusiastically leap right in. Step 2 is recognised by knowing Jez's home address. Gil's e-mail address and your new Paypal address. Usually contains an E-Bay and booze incident.
3. E-Bay bumps. Learn to buy high sell low. Scammers, sharks and worse... people with unlimited money to out bid you. The end of phase 3 is clearly defined with "Bid Nip??? Snip!?!? You mean people aren’t even bidding?!?"
4. Learn Ameybrook is a Guy and Isaac_AG is a Girl.
5. Bike build gets stuck… followed by the purchase of another bike/project. Realise you didn’t ride that day so you could polish some 15 year old component.
Sell it for far less than your time cleaning/photographing/shipping was worth.
6. Realise that no matter what part you think will be the ultimate bling finishing touch to you latest bike, Scant'll have broken a number of them, Jez will have snipes set up on any on ebay, Rumpfy will already own 10 of them (NOS, obviously), Repack Rider will have been involved in the original company that made them (or have a photo of him will the original designer who he knows very well) and B3 will be able to build you one from scratch in his workshop (oh, and Gil'll put the decals on it)
7. The significant other (SO) demands a random 'bike audit'.... apart from the above collection of rusting metal that'll never see the light of day, the audit reveals non-justifiable and frankly humiliating sidelines (such as the weird collection of old lycra, the unsafe helmets and tatty magazines costing three times the price as when you bought them 15 years ago...) - the realisation takes hold that you are both an obsessive and and a compulsive hoarder and a hopeless nostalgic to boot...
8. Licking one's wounds in front of the PC at midnight you hook up to Retrobike (and MTBR) for the reassuring warm glow that says - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
9. Realise that Rutteger is the Retrobike version of Osama Bin Laden - used to hear from him all the time, but now he only appears once in a blue moon, he probably lives in a cave in Afghanistan now. There is some debate as to if he is alive or dead and his name is now used to scare newbies..... 'if you bid on that item Rutteger will come and steal all your Ringle stuff...'
10. Jez's bike gallery is like an iceberg - you see the obvious, but you know there's alot more you cant see that you wish you could…
11. Scant will have the photo you're after but he can't scan them because he doesn’t have a scanner…
12. You design ample 'storage' into your new extension...
13. You see someone riding on the street on an 80s / 90s mountain bike and you stop them to evangelise about Retrobike and how their steed is a design icon and they don't make them like they used to, and let's go for a pint/ride/sticky cake sometime…
14. After finishing ‘THE BUILD’,going out for a ride with other Retrobikers
and realising that: A) the bike rides like a dream B) the brakes are crap
C) the guys from this site make for great new riding buddies…
15. The postman knows that any large objects are to be placed straight into the shed/garage and under no circumstances should they put them somewhere the wife radar may pick them up…
You are also on first name terms with everyone at your local Post Office as you are constantly sending funny-shaped packages !!
Your shed/garage is also a dumping ground for jiffy bags and bubble wrap.
16. The SO realises you think you are being cunning by getting deliveries to work, and then has a quick look at the numerous bubble packs stored in the aforementioned garage…
17. The next will always be the last!
18. Every frame / part that arrives brings an odd mix of emotion - elation mixed with remorse that the money which should've gone on the mortgage/MOT/Tax has been spent on some 15 year old Ringle components…
19. You rarely finish a project due to all ways getting more projects….
20. Despite your selling extravaganzas, there will always be something else that crops up that you just HAVE to have....
21. You confess to having hung curtains up in your shed to stop paint and decals fading – you’re wife thinks you are nuts!
22. You start to adopt a 'tramp and the button' approach to the smallest part - you buy a purple anodised jockey wheel and within 5 minutes you will have built a dream bike in your head around that single jockey wheel (and then spend the next 5 years collecting all the other parts to realise that dream).
23. You start complaining to your teenage son about spending all his time on the XBOX and to ‘get a life’ - he say's, “So are you going to stop playing with old bikes and bike bits, perusing the internet for bike bits and admiring everyone else’s bikes all bloomin day then?â€